Bacon-wrapped jalapeno thingies

From The Pioneer Woman Cooks

These are evil. And they must be destroyed. My lovely sister-in-law, Missy, brings these little wonders to my house each Fourth of July and they have made a huge impression on my life. I’ve decided that I never want to be without them, they’re so fundamental to my survival at this point. And they’re as simple as it gets: Cream cheese-stuffed jalapenos wrapped in bacon. Cook ‘em. Pop ‘em in your mouth. Sing praises. Faint. They’re absolutely addictive.

The only problem arises when our father-in-law is on the premises when Missy arrives bearing these puppies. I love and respect the man, but I usually have to fight him off with a cattle prod just to ensure I get one or two. It isn’t ever pretty. He loves these things.

But enough of our family dysfunction; let’s get started, shall we?

The Cast of Characters: Fresh Jalapenos, Cream Cheese, and Bacon. Three ingredients! This is simple stuff.

Start with a jalapeno. Hello, jalapeno! Try to find ones that are 2 to 3 inches long; not too big.

Slice the jalapeno in half length-wise.

Ack! I just love this shot—looks like I’m about to lob off my fingers.

Please, please don’t lob off your fingers.

Now it’s time to seed them. (Or is it "de-seed?" I never do quite get that whole thing.)

With a spoon, gently scrape out the seeds and white membranes. This process moves pretty quickly.

If you’re impervious to the spiciness, you can leave a little membrane and/or a couple of seeds inside. If you prefer things a little on the mild side, go ahead and clean ‘em out reeeeel gooooood.

Now cut the bacon slices into thirds. I usually just go ahead and cut the whole package at once. I like shortcuts.

Now unwrap the softened cream cheese and your assembly line is all set!

Now start smearing cream cheese inside each jalapeno half.

No need to be particularly neat about it…

Just schmear it in there generously.

Just keep going until you have the quantity you want. That’s the great thing about this recipe: you can make as few as two or as many as 49,382! There’s no huge commitment.

Now take a piece (1/3 slice) of bacon and wrap it around the jalapeno.

Wrap it snugly, but not too tightly.

Keep going until you’re finished.

Now stick a toothpick through the middle of each one; this will keep the bacon from coming off in the oven. Place them on a pan with a rack (so bacon grease can escape) and bake at 375 degrees for 20-25 minutes. Here’s what they’ll look like:

Oh, baby. Oh, oh, oh baby.

These are so divine, you should seriously consider making four or five times the quantity you think you’ll need.

In an unexpected twist, Hyacinth’s husband came to our little shindig and plopped a couple of these on top of his burger! What a great idea.

No, go forth and wrap jalapenos with bacon. You’ll never, ever regret it.

Tip: how to check for the hotness of jalapenos

From Simply Recipes

Ever take home a jalapeño chile pepper from the grocery store and have it either be so lacking in heat it may just as well be a bell pepper, or so hot a speck will create a raging inferno in your mouth? Here's a quick tip for choosing jalapeños that can help you decide which ones to pick. Jalapeño chilies start out mild and progressively get hotter the older they get, eventually turning bright red (and quite hot). As they age, they develop white lines and flecks, like stretch marks running in the direction of the length of the pepper. The smoother the pepper, the younger, and milder it is. The more white lines, the older and hotter. Red jalapeños are the most hot, because they've been maturing the longest.

If you are looking for mild jalapeños (say for a stuffed jalapeno dish), pick the chiles without any striations. If you are looking for heat, find a red jalapeño, or a green one with plenty of white stretch marks.

Note that this is just a guideline. There is still plenty of variation among individual peppers. You can find hotter-than-Hades peppers without any white lines. But your chances of picking a mild one are better if you go for smooth. Or if you are looking for heat, you will more likely find that in a pepper with lots of lines.